I am not drowning, but I am not moving forward either. In my previous post I said I felt that I was not getting what I needed from my women’s groups that correlate with domestic violence groups for men.  I think part of this is because I just don’t trust people to tell them about my past diagnoses with bipolar and all the medication stuff.

I am not drowning, but I am not moving forward either

Last night a woman who is scared her husband might kill her or kidnap her baby, and who has a court date in the near future, not to mention she doesn’t feel like her attorney is listening to her, told us she just started taking medication for depression.  Oh….some women thought that was great….after all she “probably had postpartum depression”, said one woman. I was thinking…yeah, right….don’t you think she has several good reasons to be depressed? Part of me wanted to ask her what she was taking and if she was aware of the side effects.

Instead I just kept mum. 

Another lady was complaining about her husband, who was on disability, she said some things that really pushed my buttons.  I am really too scared to really reveal my true self to these people….

I just don’t trust people to stay confidential and I don’t trust people not to stigmatize me. My hubby has had his own battles with similar issues to mine. I feel protective of him. I feel we are united on this front, and I just feel like I can’t really trust people not to think we should be medicated. Two weeks ago I was frustrated because I did reveal this to his group leader. He pressed me for a diagnosis and when I told him, “manic episode” he said, “What is that?” I felt…why in the world would you pressure me for a diagnoses if you don’t even know what a “manic episode” is.

This afternoon, I did phone someone in the field who, last fall, helped me realize that I was being verbally abused. He said that he thought that I could probably reveal my diagnosis to people and how I had weaned of meds and made a new life for myself….and that people would respect me. He said I could probably actually become more active in my community by publicly shedding light on the issues of alternative treatment. 

Wow…he understood me; and he could see how I felt frustrated in the groups. He also said that he could never personally know the stigma…but that maybe, just maybe I could open up about it.

I feel like I need to make about $30,000 a year with benefits. And I feel like I need to do that for two years before I can even attempt to go public.

Meanwhile, I feel like I am treading water. I am doing things with hubby….but I want him to change now…ha, that doesn’t happen for anyone. So I wonder, should I just move on without him?  I miss my little doggie, but I don’t want to get a doctor’s know to have him her…that would defeat the whole purpose of why I rented this place. (And the dog is really hubby’s anyway.)  With my low income and disability I could have qualified for a HUD voucher and gotten a “nicer” apartment. But I wanted to be “normal” I didn’t want to be marginalized into a social service program. Maybe this all sounds bad.

I’ve used those services in the past…and it was okay.

I will say this about the meeting I went to, all the women said they didn’t like staying at a shelter or living in HUD housing. One woman stayed with her mom for almost year…because she just didn’t want to get involved with it.  Most women seemed to hate their ex’s….but one woman didn’t and she did kinda pine for him.

I don’t hate my husband. I am just tired of treading water. Tired of treading water with my marriage and tired of treading water with disability. I want to make a move…but I am so grateful that I am not drowning

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