Now I am floating

I used to say I was treading water and that was okay because I enjoyed swimming. I wasn’t sinking or drowning and I wasn’t struggling.  Everything was okay. (See my February post about treading water and the stigma of mental illness here.

Well, today I met with a a person to give me business advice.

He said to me, “NG  you have been saying for months that you are doing a half-baked job, you just need to set your mind to it that you are going to really work and to an excellent job.”  He went on to say that I knew good from half-baked why did I continue to do a half-baked job?

I wanted to say, “You know, I know how to do a better job, but you have no idea how fast I have to run to just keep my head above water and now, well, now I am floating, and floating feels pretty darn good.”

I used to have an anxiety disorder. I used to be medicated.

Course if I really believed that just floating was okay I wouldn’t have contacted him for advice on how to improve my skills.

My customers don’t care what my problem is. All they care about is a good product, which I give them at this time. But I want to some day get off disability so I need to do an even better job so I can command more money.

So on the one hand I am asking for advice and my friend is telling me…you just need to set your mind to it and do it.  On the other hand part of me doesn’t really know if I can. I lack self-confidence. I think as long as I am not stressed out and medicated who cares….I am floating…and it feel so good.

And then someone on a listserve or group sends you a link of how the insurance reps can deny you insurance when you need it for a life threatening condition because you honestly forgot to tell them about some minor ailment you had treated and you wonder, “Why am I even trying to do this?”

Because I feel the disability it holding me back. I want to excell. I want write a books some day that say, “I was written off and look at me now.”

Monday

Well, here it is Monday and what have I accomplished?

Feels like not much in my work arena. I feel like a Jill-of-all-trades and master-of-none.

I went out with my husband on Friday night. We had a good dinner and we talked about his counselor. He likes this guy. He said this guy asked  if labels had hurt him and if he could relabel his experiences how would he label them to explain to others what had happened to him during his life.

My hubby it would say parts of his life that have psych labels are like a dream. [That still doesn't give it a label though]

He doesn’t want to continue with his anger management courses because he says they want to know a whole bunch [ten pages of forms] of personal stuff and want him to sign a release of information form. I guess I don’t blame him.  But I do think the course would be good for him.

He does seem to like the new counselor guy.

On Saturday I stayed over night.

On Sunday we went to church and then out to a picnic. Then I went home to my studio. Later I went back over to his place and we watched a video. Then I went back to my studio.

I am thinking I might just delete some of the posts about him. He won’t even take the anger management class because he is so worried about the release of information forms and here I am blogging about it on the Internet.

He would be horrified.