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Hi,
My blood pressure is back up. Today it was 190/100.
I have quit going to yoga. I am back to drinking about three to four cups of coffee in the morning.
What am I going to do?
I had weaned myself down to one cup of coffee a few months ago. Well, I slowly kept drinking a second cup or making it stronger. Now I get a roaring headache if I don’t drink some coffee right away in the morning AND if I only drink one cup.
Here are some posts that I wrote about this previously.
Hi, I haven’t been keeping up the blog partly because things are going so well for me. If you have been diagnosed with a mental illness and/or are taking psychiatric medication and stumbled across this blog take heart, you can recover. Your life can be fun, productive, calm…whatever consider as good. You can also wean off psychiatric drugs.
I started this blog to share my experience with others. I am at a good place in my life. I still am not ready to go public and I have other projects where I need to spend time. So I will not be posting as regularly.
Hi,
It’s Sunday morning. I am debating what to do with my blog. I have gotten very busy and there is a lot to blog about, but I am also feeling very much normal. I think that I am cured of my “mental illness.” Haha…my life-long, debilitating, persistent and severe mental illness.
I am not off of disability because I am still scared. Scared I might have an episode. But I am getting closer and closer.
I feel so normal.
The people I started blogging with, have stopped blogging. It’s not like the “ole days.” I really felt I had a community of support.
I am very environmentally minded and I am wondering if I should just have a blog on the environment under a different name. I am not ready to reveal my journey to hell and back with psych drugs to the general public. But maybe some day I could.
http://www.cchrint.org/
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Time flies when you stick your head in the web.
This morning I thought about posting that it was time to take a break from blogging. Yesterday I spent most of my time on the ‘net. I don’t know if I was wasting time or if I actually got some work done. I did get some stuff done, but I think if I had a boss he or she would be disgusted with my time management skills. About half of what I did was work-related.
Anyway, I got up this morning thinking I would check Gianna Kali’s blog and I see she has decided to rest from her blog.
I don’t know, I don’t really want to stop. I want to make posts about alternative treatments and good food, but lately my posts have been about my relationship with my husband. I feel very tentative about that. I would be horrified if I knew my spouse blogged about his feelings for me or my personal issues.
I have a couple of cool, “fun” things I have been doing to help some physical problems I have, I just haven’t blogged about them. I want to do the research on them before posting.
I started this blog a little over a year ago and I feel like I have met some cool people along the way. Some of people I started with are not blogging as frequently anymore.
Anyway, I don’t think I will quit but I do need some serious time management to take effect.
One thing I haven’t posted about is that my blood pressure was NORMAL last Saturaday…yipee.
So yesterday my girlfriend tell me I should make a move. I think she thinks I should “move on” in my life. She seems to think I should get a divorce.
She also told me about some single guys about my age she knows. She like to play matchmaker.
I don’t think she understands why I don’t just make definite move. She doesn’t know my mental health background.
I wish there was a way you could try something ( test drive a guy…haha) and then go back if you didn’t like it. I often wonder if there are any decent guys out their.
I don’t want to divorce my husband and then be poor. Or divorce him and hook up with another guy who is no better.
I am glad I am taking my women’s group classes. Sometimes I think it is a waste, but I know even more how to see red flags. There is one guy I do things with quite a bit now. But I am not attracted to him. He has a couple “flags”. I still do stuff with him as a friend. But that’s all I want from him.
I think my husband still wants me. But I have a hard time relaxing with him. He isn’t free-spirited when it come to intimacy. He is very guarded…and after being with him so many years and being insulted…I am guarded too.
Now he is relaxing a bit, but I don’t know if I ever will.
He is out of town this weekend. I kinda miss him.
I used to say I was treading water and that was okay because I enjoyed swimming. I wasn’t sinking or drowning and I wasn’t struggling. Everything was okay. (See my February post about treading water and the stigma of mental illness here.
Well, today I met with a a person to give me business advice.
He said to me, “NG you have been saying for months that you are doing a half-baked job, you just need to set your mind to it that you are going to really work and to an excellent job.” He went on to say that I knew good from half-baked why did I continue to do a half-baked job?
I wanted to say, “You know, I know how to do a better job, but you have no idea how fast I have to run to just keep my head above water and now, well, now I am floating, and floating feels pretty darn good.”
I used to have an anxiety disorder. I used to be medicated.
Course if I really believed that just floating was okay I wouldn’t have contacted him for advice on how to improve my skills.
My customers don’t care what my problem is. All they care about is a good product, which I give them at this time. But I want to some day get off disability so I need to do an even better job so I can command more money.
So on the one hand I am asking for advice and my friend is telling me…you just need to set your mind to it and do it. On the other hand part of me doesn’t really know if I can. I lack self-confidence. I think as long as I am not stressed out and medicated who cares….I am floating…and it feel so good.
And then someone on a listserve or group sends you a link of how the insurance reps can deny you insurance when you need it for a life threatening condition because you honestly forgot to tell them about some minor ailment you had treated and you wonder, “Why am I even trying to do this?”
Because I feel the disability it holding me back. I want to excell. I want write a books some day that say, “I was written off and look at me now.”
Well, here it is Monday and what have I accomplished?
Feels like not much in my work arena. I feel like a Jill-of-all-trades and master-of-none.
I went out with my husband on Friday night. We had a good dinner and we talked about his counselor. He likes this guy. He said this guy asked if labels had hurt him and if he could relabel his experiences how would he label them to explain to others what had happened to him during his life.
My hubby it would say parts of his life that have psych labels are like a dream. [That still doesn't give it a label though]
He doesn’t want to continue with his anger management courses because he says they want to know a whole bunch [ten pages of forms] of personal stuff and want him to sign a release of information form. I guess I don’t blame him. But I do think the course would be good for him.
He does seem to like the new counselor guy.
On Saturday I stayed over night.
On Sunday we went to church and then out to a picnic. Then I went home to my studio. Later I went back over to his place and we watched a video. Then I went back to my studio.
I am thinking I might just delete some of the posts about him. He won’t even take the anger management class because he is so worried about the release of information forms and here I am blogging about it on the Internet.
He would be horrified.
I have a date with my husband tonight.
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