I am not sure how many people who read my blog are totally off psych meds or who no longer believe in the diagnoses of the DSM.  (But I would love your comments.)

Currently I take no psych meds. But I waver on my beliefs about the diagnoses.

This morning I felt like crap. If this was five years ago I would be sure it was a symptom of depression. And a confirmation that I am mentally ill.

But this morning I forced myself to do my Flylady routine. I was up with my husband. I made the bed. I checked my email….and I just didn’t want to do anything…but maybe sit on the computer in my bathrobe and continue surfing the web.

“No,” I told myself. Do your routine.” I know that routines saves me.

“Oh,” I thought, “What is wrong with me?”

I have decided that it was because I didn’t have some real coffee. I am addicted to caffeine. I know that caffeine seriously affects me.  I did have a little instant, but it was weak.

We are trying to cut coffee out. I used to drink two pots a day!  

When I was in college I did quite a bit of research on caffeine. It is a highly addictive drug. (And it IS abused by people with mental health diagnoses)I have been through a few withdrawal episodes…not purposely. I get a terrible headache, flu-like symptoms and depression.

Once in a while, I slide back, I thinking that maybe I really do have a genetic- biochemical disorder….and I get scared. I get scared that I will never really be successful. I will never make an adequate living and that I will always have problems coping.

But today, I ate my breakfast, made the bed, got dressed to the shoes, did a load of laundry, walked the dog…and did some telecommuting computer work.

I don’t want  to go back to those days when I felt deficient.  I am not deficient. But my body was missing its caffeine.

I know I need to give up caffeine, but for now I enjoy the jolt.

I know that I am not depressed. I am withdrawing from caffeine. I am not ready to give it up. I will go to the store and buy some more coffee. And I will keep my chin up. I will go through the motions of a normal day.