A good meal <good [Feb. 2008]   bad>    Look at the ingredients

What’s in the meat [Feb.12, 2008] and A good meal to soothe the soul

This week Gianna posted that it was her second blogiversary, at the time I remembered when I began reading her blog. I tried to leave her comments every day to encourage her. I was so excited to read about what she was doing and wanted to encourage her to keep going.

As I read about her second blogiversary, I began thinking that my blogiversary must be coming up too. I am totally of psych meds. [I reluctantly added a blood pressure med a couple months ago. Read about that here .] I made my first real post on February 7, 2008. I posted much of February, none in March, and in April I started going great guns for posting. In fact a really popular post was on April 28 as a cheat sheet for purchaing organic food.

I waver back and forth….am I a recovery story or not?  I have made a new life for myself. NO ONE would ever suspect the problems I had a few years ago. I am on disability and working to get off. [I remember when I wet the bed, drooled, sounded drunk and couldn’t remember something a person just told me two minutes previously.] Now, I sometimes worry that people will think I am taking advantage of the disability because I am so stable and seem so productive. But in the back of my mind, I wonder, “Can I really support myself? Would I ‘go nuts’ if I had a “competitive job.” ?  My marriage has never been that good. Can I support myself if I leave my husband? Right now I work out of my home. I set my own hours. I work when I want. I wonder, “If I had a boss, would I crack?” In that past, I have had huge difficulties working for other people. Often in organizations I would be scapegoated by my co-workers and belittled by my boss.

Interesting enough, my present husband, [whom I am separated from because of verbal abuse] always had faith in me as a sane person. He worries that I will get in trouble for receiving benefits. He never knew me as that drooling fool or the wigged out anxiety-ridden, crazy-woman. When he met me I was on Zyprexa, working part time as a hostess, and living in HUD housing. [I was so relieved to receive the benefits, they allowed me to spend time with my daughter and not struggle for money. My hostess job was only 10 to 15 hours a week.] I visited a county-supported doctor at the a mental health agency, and since I was so poor I didn’t have to pay. I told her I didn’t want to take Zyprexa or Risperdal every day. [And I didn’t have any prescription coverage to pay for it.] So she allowed me to see her every two weeks to monitor my mood and nip a mania or depression in the bud. [I would take Risperdal at those times and only for  a couple weeks.]

I truly feel like  a new person. I am trying to work with a program named AAATakecharge. It is an Internet based program for people who have the “Ticket to Work.”

I feel bad about not posting too much lately and not commenting on other’s blogs, but I have been working very hard to be gainfully employed. I find that reading blogs. commenting on other blogs and writing my own can be very time consuming, but so therapeutic.