Here we are in June already.  I was just thinking about my goals and New Year’s resolutions.  I haven’t kept up with them. I wanted to keep my little place nice…dealing with paper right away. I was going to do yoga to keep my blood pressure down. I was going to exercise my arms, so I didn’t get “old lady” arms.

Well, I have let it slip.

Tried to talk to husband yesterday. I am scared to leave him totally. I said we should get together to talk about our goals for our marriage. He said he wanted to do that. He has been working a lot lately.

A month ago he told me he would go for counseling for his intimate issues. I think he has the Madonna- W complex and I am a very sensual person. I have begged him to go for help for years, actually within three months of our marriage. I also told him about the PSSD yahoo support group online, but he doesn’t seem interested. I told him about this group two years ago.

We were talking about how tired he is. I have always given him a pass on being a crab when he was tired. Well two years ago his boss made him work until 3 a.m. I reminded him how we all paid for that late night working with his crabbiness and insistence that he have his own bedroom and basically kicking my daughter out.

A day or two after working so late, basically told my daughter to get her stuff out of our house. He now is saying we misunderstood him; he was just telling her to pack up her important stuff because he didn’t want to be responsible for it.

That fact that he “doesn’t remember” or says we misunderstood him really, really bugs me. He hurt me and her big time when he did that. I left him for three days. He never asked me what my goals and dreams were for my daughter and our future.  When I cried and tried to talk to him at the time he just said, “A man has got to do what a man has got to do.”  Huh? Now he is saying we all just misunderstood him.

He never said he was sorry or that it should be a joint family decision. He just says he thought because she was in college she should get her stuff out. Then he proceeded to move into her bedroom. Huh? He STILL has stuff at his parent’s house.

So here I am trying to get off disability and thinking about a divorce.  What a double whammy to my income.  I could just stay like it is. He seems okay with this arrangement. But I want a lover and I don’t want to cheat. And I don’t want to be poor. And we both don’t want to be alone.