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this blog is kinda like a diary. I can post things here that I wouldn’t tell other people. I feel like my views are so different than the average person.

Right now I feel like my house is a mess. I supposed I should attack it one pile at a time. I feel like I have a job that is hard. I guess I need to attack that one day at time too.
I like going to movies. I go on Sunday nights becuase there aren’t as many people at the theaters that night. I like sitting in a big room with the big screen. I like the feeling of being taken away to a different land. Hmmm, I wonder what that means that I want to be taken away to a different land. I have been reading about the craft of writing. One thing that is said is that you must write everyday. That is why I am writing this.


I received a letter from Social Security asking me to write down some facts about my new job. They want me to list my new boss’ name and  a lot of other things. I suppose this will raise his radar.  I am dreading this, but I guess I have to do it.  I feel so disorganized at work that if my boss asks me why I was on disability I am thinking about telling him I had a disorganization disability.  I wonder if there is such a thing. I really think that is why I was put on disability in the first place. I was so disorganized that my life was mess. I would loss bills, screw up my finances. I ruined a lot of projects because of being disorganized. Like right now. Where is that letter from Social security?  I think it is one the dining room table, but I’m not sure. I better not lose that. And why am I putting that off.

You know I think I am crazy to take a job just to get off of disability. My life was so much better before I took this job, it was much less stressful. I was doing well. I felt guilty being on disability, but it sure was a better life. That’s what I always told people. That I might look like a normal person, but that the disability gave me the freedom to ease up a bit, relax and enjoy life.

I have some tension knots in my back. Today I went to get a massage at the mall. I have a woman who is a massage therapist who I usually see. But I have to make an appointment to do that. I’m not organized enough to make the appointment. So this afternoon I went o the mall to get a massage from a Chinese Guy. I wondered if saying that was a racist or a bigoted thing. But the man who was giving the massages actually is from China. I have a hard time understanding him when he talks. He was rubbing my arm and shoulder very hard and asking me if I liked it or if it felt good, I don’t really know what he was saying. I answered him, “No, that hurts!” “You dont’ know very much about massage, ” he said to me. I know the whole reason that my back has these knots is that my job is so hard. If you are reading my blog, maybe you have struggled with mental illness too and you may understand why I am doing this new job. I want to prove to myself and the world that I was nto a crazy woman who “needed to take her meds.” Meds ruined me. Well,t hey almost ruined me. If I can do this job without meds, I will be  success to the world.

Well, I’ve always wanted to write a book. So I suppose, I should be blogging more than I am. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about jobs I tried to do in the past. I wonder if I coudn’t do them becuase I was so doped up. I also remember how lonely I was. I would come home from a hard day at work to…noone. I would be so lonely. I remember I had one co-worker who had a wife and three kids. She would stop by with the kids. One was a baby. It would visit with them. I was so envious. I wanted someone to be with when I came home. This new job I have is hard. I like looking over my shoulder while i lay in bed and seeing my husband sleepign beside me. he isn’t the greatest cuddle-bug, but at least he is there. There is nothing worse than being so lonely and sleeping single in a double bed.

April 2011
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