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Merry Christmas!

If you have read my blog in the past or have just stumbled upon it, I want you to know that recovery IS possible. I am totally weaned off of drugs. My goal five years ago was to write an autobiography about how I was written off as disabled, almost a “throw-away.” Many, especially the professionals, thought I should be on meds for the rest of my life.

I am a successful person now.  Success is in the eye of the beholder, but I am willing to bet no one in the town I now live, would ever guess that I have a mental illness or that at one time I was basically a drooling fool. Drooling because of the meds!

As I said, I thought I would write an autobiography, but I am still to scared to do it. I feel 90 percent recovered. I head up a small non-profit agency and I am an artist. At this time I don’t make enough money. I am scared that if I went public with my story, I might need future employment. Will employers not really want me?

I will give you an example. I have been very, very busy so I wrote a generic email and blind carbon copied it to several of my friends. In the email I said that I was too busy to put up my Christmas decorations and that we didn’t have electricity for the part of the house that we wanted to put the decorations.  Well, a friend who knew me from my depression and bipolar mania days wrote back to say she was so sorry that I was feeling blue.

Blue!  I was busy, busy, busy. I’m wasn’t sad, blue or depressed.

Now this person was/is a very good friend who stuck with me through the worse. But I suspect she will always see me as mentally ill. We never see each other any more. We met in the days before Internet and we live thousands of miles apart.  I guess I haven’t told her about my long journey off the meds. She saw me at my worse. To be fair, she doesn’t know about the new me.

But the fact that I my busyness was misconstrued for the blues as why I had no decorations was revealing to how people view you once you have been labeled as mentally ill.

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Today is another day.

I had trouble sleeping last night. Currently I am not keeping this blog like I would like to. I want to be adding scientific information about alternative treatments.

Last night I was still awake at 1 a.m. so I took some supplements. I have not been taking my supplements like I should. So when I was still awake I took: Melatonin and GABA. Some people called GABA “nature’s Valium”.

I used to take those supplements every night. Sometimes in the form of Sleep Essentials which is sold by Swanson’s Vitamins.

My supplement routine was prescribed to me by an M.D. who is pretty much anti-psychiatry.

I am so glad I met him. I am doing so much better now. If you are taking psych meds and want to quit. DO NOT go of COLD TURKEY. You can get very, very sick.

I miss what we had. Lots of good times. We had a little girl too

I miss what we had. Lots of good times. We had a little girl too

Today is an anniversary for me. Today is a reprint of a post I ran last year on this date. My current husband and I are separated. We are both trauma survivors and I thought we would be partners in this life. I thought we would be a team protecting each other from the this crazy industry and building each other up. We do protect each other. But my husband in private is a controlling man, who sees himself a notch above me. In this second marriage we both have achieved much in the outside world.

Here is the post I ran last year about how I lost the first love of my live.

I believe psychiatric medication had a huge hand in destroying my first marriage

I would have been married for 29 years if I had not gotten divorced.

I still miss my first husband. (I know that is probably a terrible thing to admit publicly because it would hurt present-time hubby.)

My first hubby was very nice. We were very, very young when we got married, but we were married for 15 years. For the most part it was a good, pleasant marriage. I had depression, but I had that before I married him. (Yes, I suppose it was the now-trendy “childhood depression.”)

I blame the pysch-industry for the failure of my marriage. I blame them for doping me up. I blame them for what I now believe was medication-induced mania.

I did some things I am ashamed of when in manic states. I first made a comment about the crazy things people do on Susan Benard’s Bipolar Wellness Writer blog. Susan doesn’t think mania causes a person to do anything against their own moral codes. You can read her post about that issue here.

Hubby hated that I took medication. He said the medication made me into a zombie. Words that still bring tears to my eyes are, “I am sick and tired of being married to a zombie!”

I thought he was cold-hearted at the time. I thought he didn’t realize that that the medication was similar to being in a wheelchair. Would he say the same thing to a woman in a wheelchair I wondered?

Hubby hated my psychiatrists. Not at first he didn’t. The first time the psych-doc diagnosed me as bipolar he asked me to bring me hubby along. Hubby told the doc that he had known my father, and my father had problems getting “worked-up” and letting things go.

At first hubby was supportive. But as time went on he became angry. I asked him to help me with my cocktail of meds. He refused saying, “I’m not going to be your baby-sitter.” That hurt.

I wasn’t getting better, I changed doctors because I believed he was incompetent in finding the correct med for me. (Now I know there is no such thing as the “correct med.”) We also had to change insurance to do this. The next doctor tried to talk to hubby on the phone. She told my hubby that I was a very, very sick woman. I don’t know what else they talked about. All I know is that after that conversation those two hated each other. At a latter appointment she didn’t have much good to say about him.

I remember phoning the doctor and screaming into the answering machine, (we didn’t call it voice mail back then) I screamed into the phone that I loved my husband, he was a good man, and how dare she talk about him with disrespect. The doc phoned me back in a soothing voice and said that I was absolutely correct.

While still married to my husband I would cry to my doc and say, “I just want my husband back.” She gave me some advice…but it was bad. (it was obscene, actually, and it turned him off big-time.)

After my divorce my mother told me that hubby said he could put up with my depressions, but not the manic episodes.

When my husband and I separated. I went to my mom’s. I phoned my doc and she replied, “What a Godsend!” I was sitting at my mom’s thousands of miles from our home, missing my hubby and she thought it was a “Godsend.”

My first husband thought I was beautiful and intelligent. He was interested in what I had to say. He was proud of me. I was proud of him. Years later, my heart still jumped when he walked into the room. Pride still welled up inside of me when he achieved an accomplishment. I can count the number of times he insulted me on one hand. He hardly ever said anything that would hurt me on purpose. Whenever I went out in public, I would proudly show off my husband. Or if I were with people who were in his circle of friends, but not mine, I would proudly say “I’m “hisname’s” wife!”

Sometimes I lay in at the edge of my bed at night and a tear will roll down my check. I miss him so bad.

(May 24, 2009 – Some of this pain has gone now. I go in and out of missing him. My second marriage is not good and I am separated from my husband right now. )

P.S.

May 24, 2009 – Last year there was a discussion on why  bipolar people and others diagnosed as mentally ill need to take responsibility for their actions during their episodes.   A fellow blogger and my friend, Duane Sherry said,

“We say that all people are due civil rights, and that NAMI and the TAC have no authority to insist on ‘medical compliance’ – our own healthcare is our business.

And it certainly is – as long as we continue to take responsibility for our own actions. The moment we stop, is the exact moment that we lose our rights.

If a person is unwilling to do so, then they will be seen as ‘unable’ to do so, and they will quickly be made ‘able’ by persuasion, coercion or legal force.”

You can read the discussion on Bipolar Wellness Writer’s “The Disease is NOT the Person post.

See my comment and what sparked the discussion on Bipolar Wellness Writer’s post, “Dealing with Mania and Hypo-mania”

Her post on April 25, 2008 was about regrets, forgiveness, and letting go of the past. Read that here under Inspirational quotes.

PJ of Spin Original posted that she no longer believes she is or was bipolar. She had many problems or issues that needed to be worked on. She does believe that the medicine stabilized her for a while although she gained 50 pounds.

Read her post Biploar No More here.

Warning: Never quite psychiatric medications cold turkey. You can suffer painful, physical withdrawal symptoms as well as cause a rebound effect that will mimic psychiatric problems. Read more on Duane Sherry’s Discover and Recover blog on his WARNING tab.

I haven’t been blogging much about good food and supplements.
I have been reading Gianna’s and Mama Dharma’s blogs.  (I wish I could have blogged when I was a young mother. I was fine when I was with people, but anxiety ridden when I was alone.) I like what they both have to say about psych recovery and even using those very words.

I am feeling invalidated by my husband. I know it isn’t good. Social Security is reviewing me. I am searching for ways to make enough money to support myself without SS.

So last night when I saw him again I told him. “I tried to tell you my feelings and how hurt I was. You told me to ‘suck it up.'” He denied saying that I should, “Suck it up.”  He said the he said, “Don’t let it bother you.”  Hmmm….to me that is the same difference.

On Saturday I had imagined myself going over to his place and laying on the bed and having him rub my back saying, “There, there.”

Hey, I know it can get tiresome listening to someone complain about their hurt feelings, but then again I was really, really hurt. He didn’t hear me out.  I feel like I was verbally abused by one person. And then emotionally abused (or negated or ignored) by the person I went to for comfort.

Maybe that should be all I need to make my decision to leave him. Or maybe he meant “Don’t let it bother you it a positive affirming way.”

I looked in the newspaper for jobs. There is only one half page of jobs. It sure would be more economically secure to just stay with him.  I gotta finish paperwork for SS review.  Ug!

What are the rest of you out there doing for a living?

 

Is your partner a narcissist?

Is your partner a narcissist?

 

 

Do you suffer from shame or low self-esteem

Do you suffer from shame or low self-esteem

 

 

 

 

 

 

Is your partner a narcissist, do you struggle with low self-esteem and shame? If you have been thinking in those terms, I would like to share of the books/literature/websites that have helped me. 

You know, ALL  people diagnosed with mental illness have been told they need to take medication and that they have a life-long disease that they will constantly battle. But one group is given less hope than those labeled bipolar or schizophrenic. Those are the people labeled narcissists. They are believed to be incurable.

Many men who have an abusive history have narcissistic tendencies. When I began searching for help in my relationship with my husband I had a hard time figuring out what to do. Those in the domestic abuse field often say a man is never cured…or it takes hard, difficult work. 

   I found Kim Copper’s “Back from the Looking Glass E-Book” to help me deal with my husband. I think it is helping. I also have started reading her blogs. She has some unique ideas on how to deal with a verbally abusive husband. An added bonus and nice surprise…she is really into healthy eating. Take a look at her husband, Steve, and the good food they eat here. She believes in Omega 3s and amino acids too! Kim and her husband, Steve have a blog and book “The Love Safety Net.” and a website “Narcissismcured.com

(Please be very careful if you believe your life is in danger and do whatever you need to do to stay safe.)

Another a workbook that has been helpful to me and I hope that my husband reads is “The Positive Attitude Workbook” by Lyle Wildes and Joe Kelly. This workbook discusses our attitudes and how we can work with change and what we perceive to be negative to turn it to a positive situation. It is also good for learning how to turn behavior from anger that turn to abuse into changing our thoughts so that we do not become so angry and become abusive…or depressed, or have low self-esteem.

I highly recommend. “The Emotional Freedom Workbook Take it seriously and fill in the worksheet. This book changed my life!  Here is just a little of what the website says: Life changing insights on overcoming shame, depression and unhealthy relationships.

When your dreams get derailed, the culprit can usually be found hiding in your emotional life. It is a pattern of attitudes, habits, or relationships that won’t allow you to move forward, no matter how much you tell yourself you want to.

 

Another good book is John Bradshaw’s “Healing the Shame that Binds You”. 

From the website: “…Toxic shame, most often experienced in childhood, results in the breakdown of our self-esteem, the destruction of the family system, an inability to move forward and form lasting intimate relationships in our lives.”

Dale Carnegie’s book How to Stop Worrying and Start Living.  Read a synopsis here.

So, if you are looking for more than a diagnoses and  medication, which I am sure you are or you wouldn’t be reading this blog, and you want something more than just changing what your eat or taking supplements, try some of these books…and do the heavy work of changing your attitudes.

It will take hard work to overcome those thoughts. Your brain wants to go back to default. Try this: Take your hands off the computer and fold them together with your fingers and thumbs interlacing.  Now, look at your top thumb and reverse those thumbs and fingers. Put the thumb that is now on the top, second.

Doesn’t that fill strange?  What do you want to do? You want to go back to what feels right, you want to put your finger back the “right way.” That’s the default…and that’s what your brain wants to do too. But you can overcome your thoughts…which direct your behaviors. (Hat tip to Lyle Wildes)

 

I am not drowning, but I am not moving forward either. In my previous post I said I felt that I was not getting what I needed from my women’s groups that correlate with domestic violence groups for men.  I think part of this is because I just don’t trust people to tell them about my past diagnoses with bipolar and all the medication stuff.

I am not drowning, but I am not moving forward either

I am not drowning, but I am not moving forward either

Last night a woman who is scared her husband might kill her or kidnap her baby, and who has a court date in the near future, not to mention she doesn’t feel like her attorney is listening to her, told us she just started taking medication for depression.  Oh….some women thought that was great….after all she “probably had postpartum depression”, said one woman. I was thinking…yeah, right….don’t you think she has several good reasons to be depressed? Part of me wanted to ask her what she was taking and if she was aware of the side effects.

Instead I just kept mum. 

Another lady was complaining about her husband, who was on disability, she said some things that really pushed my buttons.  I am really too scared to really reveal my true self to these people….

I just don’t trust people to stay confidential and I don’t trust people not to stigmatize me. My hubby has had his own battles with similar issues to mine. I feel protective of him. I feel we are united on this front, and I just feel like I can’t really trust people not to think we should be medicated. Two weeks ago I was frustrated because I did reveal this to his group leader. He pressed me for a diagnosis and when I told him, “manic episode” he said, “What is that?” I felt…why in the world would you pressure me for a diagnoses if you don’t even know what a “manic episode” is.

This afternoon, I did phone someone in the field who, last fall, helped me realize that I was being verbally abused. He said that he thought that I could probably reveal my diagnosis to people and how I had weaned of meds and made a new life for myself….and that people would respect me. He said I could probably actually become more active in my community by publicly shedding light on the issues of alternative treatment. 

Wow…he understood me; and he could see how I felt frustrated in the groups. He also said that he could never personally know the stigma…but that maybe, just maybe I could open up about it.

I feel like I need to make about $30,000 a year with benefits. And I feel like I need to do that for two years before I can even attempt to go public.

Meanwhile, I feel like I am treading water. I am doing things with hubby….but I want him to change now…ha, that doesn’t happen for anyone. So I wonder, should I just move on without him?  I miss my little doggie, but I don’t want to get a doctor’s know to have him her…that would defeat the whole purpose of why I rented this place. (And the dog is really hubby’s anyway.)  With my low income and disability I could have qualified for a HUD voucher and gotten a “nicer” apartment. But I wanted to be “normal” I didn’t want to be marginalized into a social service program. Maybe this all sounds bad.

I’ve used those services in the past…and it was okay.

I will say this about the meeting I went to, all the women said they didn’t like staying at a shelter or living in HUD housing. One woman stayed with her mom for almost year…because she just didn’t want to get involved with it.  Most women seemed to hate their ex’s….but one woman didn’t and she did kinda pine for him.

I don’t hate my husband. I am just tired of treading water. Tired of treading water with my marriage and tired of treading water with disability. I want to make a move…but I am so grateful that I am not drowning

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Well, tonight as I am working on my computer I have the televison turned to “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit”

I confess that I like to what this show. They are saying that bipolar disorder is inherited and then they go about trying find “imbalanced” people in the family. So one of the main character’s daughter is having problems and they are trying to committed.

Detective Stabler finds his personal and professional lives colliding after he learns that his daughter has fallen in with a bad crowd and is a suspect in a break-in, so he turns to his estranged mother and Detective Benson for help.

So Stabler, Eliot, is trying to get his daughter forcibly medicated.

Cast & Credits: Christopher Meloni, Mariska Hargitay, Richard Belzer, Ice-T, Diane Neal

Drama/Other

TV14, English, Letterbox, 2008

Click here to see trailer

Now they are convincing the mom to take medication.

The song, entitled “SSRIs – S.S.R.Lies,” is Mike Adam’s of NaturalNews.com hip-hop answer to the child-destroying industry of modern psychiatry.

Hat tip to the SafeHarbor yahoo support group.

 

Mike says, “What’s important to note here is that the hip-hop music genre has the potential to reach teens and kids far better than articles or books. This song can get directly onto the iPods and computers of teens who need to hear this message, and they may begin to learn more about psychiatric drugs and resist being chemically abused by psychiatrists.

You know how they say that mental illness runs in families…….well, my favorite boy cousin has been hospitalized. He was not sleeping at all. The doc put him on Zyprexa. He is getting better. I don’t know how to react. He needed to be in the hospital to stay safe. He was acting so bazaar that someone else would have hurt him, if he were left to his own devices.  He began wandering and that just isn’t safe.
Something needed to be done but I am afraid of the side-effects of Zyprexa

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