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You know, most people don’t know how offensive that is. This weekend I went to a party where many people seemed “liberal” in their social beliefs. In fact they were angry because gays are not given equal rights. But in a previous conversation during the evening someone had mentioned Mary Todd Lincoln and how Abraham Lincoln should have divorced her because she was mentally ill. I just about said, “So, maybe he loved her.” Or “Well if she had had MS should she be divorced?

It really bugs me when people say things like that.

One time in talking to a friend I told her about some strange behavior of my husband. She said I could divorce him if he were mentally ill. She had no idea how that just shut me up about telling her any of my issues. She had no idea that I was once labeled “mentally ill.”

You might want to read this story about her in Newsweek: Helcat or Helpmate: The Mary Todd Lincoln Sage


I have a counseling session today. Three weeks ago I was supposed to write down what I have for self-esteem and happiness.

I think the whole reason I got into this depression and mental health fiasco is because I have low self-esteem. I was anxious and nervous and depressed. I went for help and the next thing you know I am on a roller coaster of prescription drugs…and ….read the beginning of my blog.

I really don’t want a second divorce, but I don’t want to live without sex. My sex life is pathetic. My husband has a low drive and he has hurt my feelings so much that I just can’t relax. I used to have a very high sex drive. He has rejected my sexual advances so many times…and now when he says he wants it…which is so far a few between, but when he says he does….I feel kind sick. He refuses to go for counseling for this issue. He has a counselor, but I don’t think he has brought up this issue

Well, this is supposed to be about me, what do I have to have.

  1. Someone who respects me
  2. food
  3. shelter
  4. health care
  5. alternative health care
  6. friends
  7. “social standing” or a place within the little group I respect….not the “blue bloods” or the “high class”.
  8. Enough money to cover my bills. Right now I don’t have that much. My biggest expensive are for a little efficiency apartment, my health insurance….yes, even if you are on Medicare you still have to purchase it, a supplemental policy and some prescription or supplements. This counseling session is $90.00 because Medicare doesn’t cover it.
  9. I was going to say sex…but heck, I lived with a low or nonexistent sex life for so long now, maybe I don’t. It’s more than just sex. I think the phsyscial touch is healing. I am not getting that special healing…sexual healing…like the song

So, what kinds of things do you need to be happy? If you are in a mental health system, have they helped you?

I went to a lady who studies energy. She said the chakra around my throat felt low or tight or whatever. She said that was the truth chakra…yes, I don’t let people know about my mental health history. And I don’t have the nerve to tell my husband that I am unhappy…well, heck..he knows I don’t live with him. But I don’t tell my friends and family that I am separated…..I do feel like I hide the real me. But you see, used to run around blabbing about myself to everyone.

I had to search far and wide to find this woman who will agree with my rejected of psych drugs.

I have been busy and not able to do as much research on topics that I am interested in for this blog. “Survivor” left some comments on aluminum and fluoride that make a person kinda scared to use dish soap or antiperspirants.

On a more personal note, my hubby keeps making excuses for why he can’t make an appointment for anger management. He says he has phoned but the leader is never there. He won’t leave a message because he doesn’t want to be phoned at work.

I don’t understand why he can’t leave a message and have the counselor phone him back on his cell phone at which point he can take his cell phone outside to the parking lot and talk there.

When I told my hubby how much it hurt me that he didn’t want to have sex very often and he has never orgasmed with me, he told me, “Well, you don’t know what you are doing.”

That’s nuts. I had a full, active sex life before I met him. He can’t orgasm because I don’t know what I am doing? Sorry, I don’t buy that.

I don’t know why I stay with the man. I always thought I had a high sex drive and like variety; I am adventuresome and I am understanding.

I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life with a man who has never had an orgasm with me. He also doesn’t like oral sex and doesn’t like hand jobs. I used to pride myself at my techniques.

He even told me off one time while I was having an orgasm. I was whispering his name…thinking it would turn him on. He said something like, “shut up” or something. It was humiliating.

He claims he doesn’t remember.

Wow, this makes him sound like a real jerk. Why do I stay? Well, I am out…in a one room studio. I stay because I hate being lonely. I stay because we both hate the psych industry. I stay because I feel like we were cellmates in a torture camp and promised to help each other bust out and survive in the real world. I stay because I don’t know if I can make it financially on my own. I stay because I am worried he will go nuts with out me and end up locked up in a pysch unit somewhere.

Well, I did go dancing with my husband on Saturday. It was fun.

On Sunday we went to see the movie, “He’s Just Not the Into You.” It is based on the best-selling book by the same name. See book here.  It is long, 2 hours 9 minutes. But we enjoyed it.

Did you see the movie and what did you think?

I found myself identifying with a couple of the characters. But I didn’ t tell my husband which those were. I identified with Scarlet Johansson’s character in that she continued to date a man that she just wasn’t that into. I also identified with the guy (Bradley Cooper) she was tempted with…. He said he married his wife because she pressured him. And when his told his wife that he had cheated, she still wanted to work it out. (I am not identifying with the cheating part.) I am identifying with dating or continuing to stay married to someone I am just not that into. Later his wife, Jennifer Connelly admitted that the two hadn’t had sex for months.

But when hubby and I went out for coffee after the movie and he flat out asked me what I thought of the movie, did I have the nerve to tell him the above? No. (Just like Scarlet continued to hang with  Kevin Connelly or Bradley Cooper continued to stay married to Jennifer Connolley.)

Actually hubby even brought up Scarlet’s  character and how when her boyfriend asked her to think about marriage she said she didn’t want to spent her life with him.

He then asked me about any blind dates I had had.

I told him about some and the duddy guys I had dated. He said he wished he would have had someone fix him up when he was a young man. I told him how one of our friends was ready to fix me up with someone new when she found out I had moved out.  She thought I was just ready to close the chapter with hubby and move on.

I can’t close this chapter. I am too scared. I don’t think I can make it without my hubby’s financial support. I don’t want to be alone and I am afraid of the stigma of my diagnoses.   But maybe he’s not that into me…maybe that is why he isn’t really that passionate with me….but he is the one that chased me. He is the one that pressured me for  a wedding date. So…I don’t know.

We were both so lonely. We both wanted a partner so bad.

June 2019
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