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I miss what we had. Lots of good times. We had a little girl too

I miss what we had. Lots of good times. We had a little girl too

Today is an anniversary for me. Today is a reprint of a post I ran last year on this date. My current husband and I are separated. We are both trauma survivors and I thought we would be partners in this life. I thought we would be a team protecting each other from the this crazy industry and building each other up. We do protect each other. But my husband in private is a controlling man, who sees himself a notch above me. In this second marriage we both have achieved much in the outside world.

Here is the post I ran last year about how I lost the first love of my live.

I believe psychiatric medication had a huge hand in destroying my first marriage

I would have been married for 29 years if I had not gotten divorced.

I still miss my first husband. (I know that is probably a terrible thing to admit publicly because it would hurt present-time hubby.)

My first hubby was very nice. We were very, very young when we got married, but we were married for 15 years. For the most part it was a good, pleasant marriage. I had depression, but I had that before I married him. (Yes, I suppose it was the now-trendy “childhood depression.”)

I blame the pysch-industry for the failure of my marriage. I blame them for doping me up. I blame them for what I now believe was medication-induced mania.

I did some things I am ashamed of when in manic states. I first made a comment about the crazy things people do on Susan Benard’s Bipolar Wellness Writer blog. Susan doesn’t think mania causes a person to do anything against their own moral codes. You can read her post about that issue here.

Hubby hated that I took medication. He said the medication made me into a zombie. Words that still bring tears to my eyes are, “I am sick and tired of being married to a zombie!”

I thought he was cold-hearted at the time. I thought he didn’t realize that that the medication was similar to being in a wheelchair. Would he say the same thing to a woman in a wheelchair I wondered?

Hubby hated my psychiatrists. Not at first he didn’t. The first time the psych-doc diagnosed me as bipolar he asked me to bring me hubby along. Hubby told the doc that he had known my father, and my father had problems getting “worked-up” and letting things go.

At first hubby was supportive. But as time went on he became angry. I asked him to help me with my cocktail of meds. He refused saying, “I’m not going to be your baby-sitter.” That hurt.

I wasn’t getting better, I changed doctors because I believed he was incompetent in finding the correct med for me. (Now I know there is no such thing as the “correct med.”) We also had to change insurance to do this. The next doctor tried to talk to hubby on the phone. She told my hubby that I was a very, very sick woman. I don’t know what else they talked about. All I know is that after that conversation those two hated each other. At a latter appointment she didn’t have much good to say about him.

I remember phoning the doctor and screaming into the answering machine, (we didn’t call it voice mail back then) I screamed into the phone that I loved my husband, he was a good man, and how dare she talk about him with disrespect. The doc phoned me back in a soothing voice and said that I was absolutely correct.

While still married to my husband I would cry to my doc and say, “I just want my husband back.” She gave me some advice…but it was bad. (it was obscene, actually, and it turned him off big-time.)

After my divorce my mother told me that hubby said he could put up with my depressions, but not the manic episodes.

When my husband and I separated. I went to my mom’s. I phoned my doc and she replied, “What a Godsend!” I was sitting at my mom’s thousands of miles from our home, missing my hubby and she thought it was a “Godsend.”

My first husband thought I was beautiful and intelligent. He was interested in what I had to say. He was proud of me. I was proud of him. Years later, my heart still jumped when he walked into the room. Pride still welled up inside of me when he achieved an accomplishment. I can count the number of times he insulted me on one hand. He hardly ever said anything that would hurt me on purpose. Whenever I went out in public, I would proudly show off my husband. Or if I were with people who were in his circle of friends, but not mine, I would proudly say “I’m “hisname’s” wife!”

Sometimes I lay in at the edge of my bed at night and a tear will roll down my check. I miss him so bad.

(May 24, 2009 – Some of this pain has gone now. I go in and out of missing him. My second marriage is not good and I am separated from my husband right now. )


May 24, 2009 – Last year there was a discussion on why  bipolar people and others diagnosed as mentally ill need to take responsibility for their actions during their episodes.   A fellow blogger and my friend, Duane Sherry said,

“We say that all people are due civil rights, and that NAMI and the TAC have no authority to insist on ‘medical compliance’ – our own healthcare is our business.

And it certainly is – as long as we continue to take responsibility for our own actions. The moment we stop, is the exact moment that we lose our rights.

If a person is unwilling to do so, then they will be seen as ‘unable’ to do so, and they will quickly be made ‘able’ by persuasion, coercion or legal force.”

You can read the discussion on Bipolar Wellness Writer’s “The Disease is NOT the Person post.

See my comment and what sparked the discussion on Bipolar Wellness Writer’s post, “Dealing with Mania and Hypo-mania”

Her post on April 25, 2008 was about regrets, forgiveness, and letting go of the past. Read that here under Inspirational quotes.


Well, tonight as I am working on my computer I have the televison turned to “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit”

I confess that I like to what this show. They are saying that bipolar disorder is inherited and then they go about trying find “imbalanced” people in the family. So one of the main character’s daughter is having problems and they are trying to committed.

Detective Stabler finds his personal and professional lives colliding after he learns that his daughter has fallen in with a bad crowd and is a suspect in a break-in, so he turns to his estranged mother and Detective Benson for help.

So Stabler, Eliot, is trying to get his daughter forcibly medicated.

Cast & Credits: Christopher Meloni, Mariska Hargitay, Richard Belzer, Ice-T, Diane Neal


TV14, English, Letterbox, 2008

Click here to see trailer

Now they are convincing the mom to take medication.

You know how they say that mental illness runs in families…….well, my favorite boy cousin has been hospitalized. He was not sleeping at all. The doc put him on Zyprexa. He is getting better. I don’t know how to react. He needed to be in the hospital to stay safe. He was acting so bazaar that someone else would have hurt him, if he were left to his own devices.  He began wandering and that just isn’t safe.
Something needed to be done but I am afraid of the side-effects of Zyprexa

Spinning shoes

Spinning shoes

As many of you know, this is a very stressful time in my life.  Some of you have received private emails from me on what is going on. Let me just tell you ….LOTS!  Lots of ill family members and other very stressful events.

Two nights in a row I woke up at 1 a.m. thinking it was morning. I became fearful that I was going to have or already had and “elevated” mood.  One night I took leftover tablet of  Zyprexa. The next night I took a left-over tablet of Lithium.

Yesterday I saw my holistic MD so that we could nip any “mania” in the bud.

Here is my patient plan:

  • 5-HTP 50 or 100 mg. Take at bedtime, on empty stomach (Although at this time I may take much more.)
  • Discontinue L-Tyrosine (Can be energizing.)
  • Omega-3 Fatty Acids 1,000 mg 3 x day
  • Magnesium 400 mg 2 x day
  • Balance B-50 (may be energizing at this time)
  • Discontinue most vitamins at this time as they may be energizing.
  • L-Glutamine 1-2 teaspoons in drinks x day.
  • GABA 500 SL or PO as needed for anxiety
  • Sleep Essentials (Swanson’s blend) for sleep…but can take during day for anxiety
  • Melatonin
  • Taurine 500 mg 1-2  2-3 x day.
  • TMG 500 mg 1-2 2-3 x day.
  • Emergency prescription for Lithium in case I need it.

Key SL-sublingual (under tongue) PO per os (by mouth) mg – milligrams.

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