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Merry Christmas!

If you have read my blog in the past or have just stumbled upon it, I want you to know that recovery IS possible. I am totally weaned off of drugs. My goal five years ago was to write an autobiography about how I was written off as disabled, almost a “throw-away.” Many, especially the professionals, thought I should be on meds for the rest of my life.

I am a successful person now.  Success is in the eye of the beholder, but I am willing to bet no one in the town I now live, would ever guess that I have a mental illness or that at one time I was basically a drooling fool. Drooling because of the meds!

As I said, I thought I would write an autobiography, but I am still to scared to do it. I feel 90 percent recovered. I head up a small non-profit agency and I am an artist. At this time I don’t make enough money. I am scared that if I went public with my story, I might need future employment. Will employers not really want me?

I will give you an example. I have been very, very busy so I wrote a generic email and blind carbon copied it to several of my friends. In the email I said that I was too busy to put up my Christmas decorations and that we didn’t have electricity for the part of the house that we wanted to put the decorations.  Well, a friend who knew me from my depression and bipolar mania days wrote back to say she was so sorry that I was feeling blue.

Blue!  I was busy, busy, busy. I’m wasn’t sad, blue or depressed.

Now this person was/is a very good friend who stuck with me through the worse. But I suspect she will always see me as mentally ill. We never see each other any more. We met in the days before Internet and we live thousands of miles apart.  I guess I haven’t told her about my long journey off the meds. She saw me at my worse. To be fair, she doesn’t know about the new me.

But the fact that I my busyness was misconstrued for the blues as why I had no decorations was revealing to how people view you once you have been labeled as mentally ill.

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Henry Emmons, MD

Here is an interesting article about a doctor who uses holistic approach to help people diagnosed with mental illness. His name is Henry Emmons, M.D. and his website is Partners in Resilience

Capturing Calm

A Minnesota psychiatrist and author is trying to shake up how people think about mental illness.

By MAURA LERNER, Star Tribune

In psychiatry, “we focus almost entirely on what’s wrong,” said Emmons. “I began thinking about joy.” And about how he might help patients in the midst of life’s setbacks get it back.

“Henry takes the perspective that depression is a holistic disease,” said Lori Knutson, executive director of the Penny George Institute for Health and Healing in Minneapolis, where Emmons works two days a week. “It’s not about mental illness. It’s about mental health.” Read the rest of this entry »

Hi, I haven’t been keeping up the blog partly because things are going so well for me. If you have been diagnosed with a mental illness and/or are taking psychiatric medication and stumbled across this blog take heart, you can recover. Your life can be fun, productive, calm…whatever consider as good. You can also wean off psychiatric drugs.

I started this blog to share my experience with others. I am at a good place in my life. I still am not ready to go public and I have other projects where I need to spend time. So I will not be posting as regularly.

Today is another day.

I had trouble sleeping last night. Currently I am not keeping this blog like I would like to. I want to be adding scientific information about alternative treatments.

Last night I was still awake at 1 a.m. so I took some supplements. I have not been taking my supplements like I should. So when I was still awake I took: Melatonin and GABA. Some people called GABA “nature’s Valium”.

I used to take those supplements every night. Sometimes in the form of Sleep Essentials which is sold by Swanson’s Vitamins.

My supplement routine was prescribed to me by an M.D. who is pretty much anti-psychiatry.

I am so glad I met him. I am doing so much better now. If you are taking psych meds and want to quit. DO NOT go of COLD TURKEY. You can get very, very sick.

I miss what we had. Lots of good times. We had a little girl too

I miss what we had. Lots of good times. We had a little girl too

Today is an anniversary for me. Today is a reprint of a post I ran last year on this date. My current husband and I are separated. We are both trauma survivors and I thought we would be partners in this life. I thought we would be a team protecting each other from the this crazy industry and building each other up. We do protect each other. But my husband in private is a controlling man, who sees himself a notch above me. In this second marriage we both have achieved much in the outside world.

Here is the post I ran last year about how I lost the first love of my live.

I believe psychiatric medication had a huge hand in destroying my first marriage

I would have been married for 29 years if I had not gotten divorced.

I still miss my first husband. (I know that is probably a terrible thing to admit publicly because it would hurt present-time hubby.)

My first hubby was very nice. We were very, very young when we got married, but we were married for 15 years. For the most part it was a good, pleasant marriage. I had depression, but I had that before I married him. (Yes, I suppose it was the now-trendy “childhood depression.”)

I blame the pysch-industry for the failure of my marriage. I blame them for doping me up. I blame them for what I now believe was medication-induced mania.

I did some things I am ashamed of when in manic states. I first made a comment about the crazy things people do on Susan Benard’s Bipolar Wellness Writer blog. Susan doesn’t think mania causes a person to do anything against their own moral codes. You can read her post about that issue here.

Hubby hated that I took medication. He said the medication made me into a zombie. Words that still bring tears to my eyes are, “I am sick and tired of being married to a zombie!”

I thought he was cold-hearted at the time. I thought he didn’t realize that that the medication was similar to being in a wheelchair. Would he say the same thing to a woman in a wheelchair I wondered?

Hubby hated my psychiatrists. Not at first he didn’t. The first time the psych-doc diagnosed me as bipolar he asked me to bring me hubby along. Hubby told the doc that he had known my father, and my father had problems getting “worked-up” and letting things go.

At first hubby was supportive. But as time went on he became angry. I asked him to help me with my cocktail of meds. He refused saying, “I’m not going to be your baby-sitter.” That hurt.

I wasn’t getting better, I changed doctors because I believed he was incompetent in finding the correct med for me. (Now I know there is no such thing as the “correct med.”) We also had to change insurance to do this. The next doctor tried to talk to hubby on the phone. She told my hubby that I was a very, very sick woman. I don’t know what else they talked about. All I know is that after that conversation those two hated each other. At a latter appointment she didn’t have much good to say about him.

I remember phoning the doctor and screaming into the answering machine, (we didn’t call it voice mail back then) I screamed into the phone that I loved my husband, he was a good man, and how dare she talk about him with disrespect. The doc phoned me back in a soothing voice and said that I was absolutely correct.

While still married to my husband I would cry to my doc and say, “I just want my husband back.” She gave me some advice…but it was bad. (it was obscene, actually, and it turned him off big-time.)

After my divorce my mother told me that hubby said he could put up with my depressions, but not the manic episodes.

When my husband and I separated. I went to my mom’s. I phoned my doc and she replied, “What a Godsend!” I was sitting at my mom’s thousands of miles from our home, missing my hubby and she thought it was a “Godsend.”

My first husband thought I was beautiful and intelligent. He was interested in what I had to say. He was proud of me. I was proud of him. Years later, my heart still jumped when he walked into the room. Pride still welled up inside of me when he achieved an accomplishment. I can count the number of times he insulted me on one hand. He hardly ever said anything that would hurt me on purpose. Whenever I went out in public, I would proudly show off my husband. Or if I were with people who were in his circle of friends, but not mine, I would proudly say “I’m “hisname’s” wife!”

Sometimes I lay in at the edge of my bed at night and a tear will roll down my check. I miss him so bad.

(May 24, 2009 – Some of this pain has gone now. I go in and out of missing him. My second marriage is not good and I am separated from my husband right now. )

P.S.

May 24, 2009 – Last year there was a discussion on why  bipolar people and others diagnosed as mentally ill need to take responsibility for their actions during their episodes.   A fellow blogger and my friend, Duane Sherry said,

“We say that all people are due civil rights, and that NAMI and the TAC have no authority to insist on ‘medical compliance’ – our own healthcare is our business.

And it certainly is – as long as we continue to take responsibility for our own actions. The moment we stop, is the exact moment that we lose our rights.

If a person is unwilling to do so, then they will be seen as ‘unable’ to do so, and they will quickly be made ‘able’ by persuasion, coercion or legal force.”

You can read the discussion on Bipolar Wellness Writer’s “The Disease is NOT the Person post.

See my comment and what sparked the discussion on Bipolar Wellness Writer’s post, “Dealing with Mania and Hypo-mania”

Her post on April 25, 2008 was about regrets, forgiveness, and letting go of the past. Read that here under Inspirational quotes.

PJ of Spin Original posted that she no longer believes she is or was bipolar. She had many problems or issues that needed to be worked on. She does believe that the medicine stabilized her for a while although she gained 50 pounds.

Read her post Biploar No More here.

Warning: Never quite psychiatric medications cold turkey. You can suffer painful, physical withdrawal symptoms as well as cause a rebound effect that will mimic psychiatric problems. Read more on Duane Sherry’s Discover and Recover blog on his WARNING tab.

Hi,

Lot’s of alternative mental health bloggers know that essential fatty acids are important for our mental health. I take usually take 3 capsules of fish oil every night. Currently I am taking Swanson EFA’s Superior Essential Fatty Acids. It is a combination of flax, borage, and fish.

Here is a link to learn more:

DHA and Depression-Studies from the Franklin Institute
Scientists at the National Institutes of Health associated the increase in depression in North America during the last century with the decline in consumption of DHA (docosahexaenoic acid) during the same period.

They also pointed to lower rates of major depression in societies that consume large amounts of fish, a key dietary source of DHA. North American and European populations showed cumulative rates of depression 10 times greater than a Taiwanese population that consumed a lot of fish. The Japanese, whose diet is rich in fish, have a significantly lower prevalence of depression compared to North America and Europe.

I haven’t been blogging much about good food and supplements.
I have been reading Gianna’s and Mama Dharma’s blogs.  (I wish I could have blogged when I was a young mother. I was fine when I was with people, but anxiety ridden when I was alone.) I like what they both have to say about psych recovery and even using those very words.

I am feeling invalidated by my husband. I know it isn’t good. Social Security is reviewing me. I am searching for ways to make enough money to support myself without SS.

So last night when I saw him again I told him. “I tried to tell you my feelings and how hurt I was. You told me to ‘suck it up.'” He denied saying that I should, “Suck it up.”  He said the he said, “Don’t let it bother you.”  Hmmm….to me that is the same difference.

On Saturday I had imagined myself going over to his place and laying on the bed and having him rub my back saying, “There, there.”

Hey, I know it can get tiresome listening to someone complain about their hurt feelings, but then again I was really, really hurt. He didn’t hear me out.  I feel like I was verbally abused by one person. And then emotionally abused (or negated or ignored) by the person I went to for comfort.

Maybe that should be all I need to make my decision to leave him. Or maybe he meant “Don’t let it bother you it a positive affirming way.”

I looked in the newspaper for jobs. There is only one half page of jobs. It sure would be more economically secure to just stay with him.  I gotta finish paperwork for SS review.  Ug!

What are the rest of you out there doing for a living?

Buy the DVD and host a party in your home, church or community center.

Buy the DVD and host a party in your home, church or community center.

“Money Talks” is now available on DVD. Learn more at this link.

I found this unique advertising campaign for Organic products.

There is lots of great information on this link Organic Its Worth It.

Remember, just because it is organic doesn’t mean it doesn’t have a lot of sugar or fat…so choose wisely.

Remember my Cliff Bar?

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