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Obsessing is a problem for me. Do you suppose that was one of the reasons I was labeled mentally ill?

I have a hard time letting things go. I play them over and over in my mind. 

Today is an anniversary for me.

I would have been married for 28 years if I had not gotten divorced.

I still miss my first husband. (I know that is probably a terrible thing to admit publicly because it would hurt present-time hubby.) 

My first hubby was very nice. We were very, very young when we got married, but we were married for 15 years. For the most part it was a good, pleasant marriage. I had depression, but I had that before I married him. (Yes, I suppose it was the now-trendy “childhood depression.”)

I blame the pysch-industry for the failure of my marriage. I blame them for doping me up. I blame them for what I now believe was medication-induced mania.

I did some things I am ashamed of when in manic states. I first made a comment about the crazy things people do on Susan Benard’s Bipolar Wellness Writer blog. Susan doesn’t think mania causes a person to do anything against their own moral codes. You can read her post about that issue here.

Hubby hated that I took medication. He said the medication made me into a zombie. Words that still bring tears to my eyes are, “I am sick and tired of being married to a zombie!”

I thought he was cold-hearted at the time. I thought he didn’t realize that that the medication was similar to being in a wheelchair. Would he say the same thing to a woman in a wheelchair I wondered?

Hubby hated my psychiatrists. Not at first he didn’t. The first time the psych-doc diagnosed me as bipolar he asked me to bring me hubby along. Hubby told the doc that he had known my father, and my father had problems getting “worked-up” and letting things go.

At first hubby was supportive. But as time went on he became angry. I asked him to help me with my cocktail of meds. He refused saying, “I’m not going to be your baby-sitter.” That hurt.

I wasn’t getting better, I changed doctors because I believed he was incompetent in finding the correct med for me. (Now I know there is no such thing as the “correct med.”) We also had to change insurance to do this. The next doctor tried to talk to hubby on the phone. She told my hubby that I was a very, very sick woman. I don’t know what else they talked about. All I know is that after that conversation those two hated each other. At a latter appointment she didn’t have much good to say about him.

I remember phoning the doctor and screaming into the answering machine, (we didn’t call it voice mail back then) I screamed into the phone that I loved my husband, he was a good man, and how dare she talk about him with disrespect. The doc phoned me back in a soothing voice and said that I was absolutely correct.

While still married to my husband I would cry to my doc and say, “I just want my husband back.” She gave me some advice…but it was bad. (it was obscene, actually, and it turned him off big-time.)

After my divorce my mother told me that hubby said he could put up with my depressions, but not the manic episodes.

When my husband and I separated. I went to my mom’s. I phoned my doc and she replied, “What a Godsend!” I was sitting at my mom’s thousands of miles from our home, missing my hubby and she thought it was a “Godsend.” 

My first husband thought I was beautiful and intelligent. He was interested in what I had to say. He was proud of me. I was proud of him. Years later, my heart still jumped when he walked into the room. Pride still welled up inside of me when he achieved an accomplishment. I can count the number of times he insulted me on one hand. He hardly ever said anything that would hurt me on purpose. Whenever I went out in public, I would proudly show off my husband. Or if I were with people who were in his circle of friends, but not mine, I would proudly say “I’m “hisname’s” wife!”

Sometimes I lay in at the edge of my bed at night and a tear will roll down my check. I miss him so bad.

P.S.

You can read Duane Sherry’s take on why bipolar people and others diagnosed as mentally ill need to take responsibility for their actions during their episodes. He says,

“We say that all people are due civil rights, and that NAMI and the TAC have no authority to insist on ‘medical compliance’ – our own healthcare is our business.

And it certainly is – as long as we continue to take responsibility for our own actions. The moment we stop, is the exact moment that we lose our rights.

If a person is unwilling to do so, then they will be seen as ‘unable’ to do so, and they will quickly be made ‘able’ by persuasion, coercion or legal force.”

You can read the discussion on Bipolar Wellness Writer’s “The Disease is NOT the Person post.

See my comment and what sparked the discussion on Bipolar Wellness Writer’s post, “Dealing with Mania and Hypo-mania”

Her post on April 25 was about regrets, forgiveness, and letting go of the past. Read that here under Inspirational quotes.

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I wanted a shakeMiniBarsHubby and I weighted in at Weight Watchers two days ago. I lost 4/10s of a pound. Hubby lost 8/10s of a pound.

We were a little disappointed. But at least we didn’t gain.  We had gone to two parties over the weekend and we pretty much behaved ourselves as far a bad food goes.

I don’t like to eat meat when I go out because you never know what is in the meat, like how the animal was raised…humanely or what hormones or antibiotics it consumed.  Also meat usually has more fat in it.

At one party, hubby took only one-half of a bratwurst. I tried to stay with the veggies. But there was too much meat, chips and sweets. I had one teeny-weeny piece of chocolate cake. At another party I decided not to have the s’mores. Hubby did have three marshmallows.

The key is planning ahead. Eat a little ahead and/or bring something you know you can eat. We did not go hungry. I brought my own homemade organic potato salad to one party, so I knew it was healthy.

The reason I labeled this post “Good treats? or naughty?” is because I purchased two things that I said I wasn’t going to do this time around. I purchased two Weight Watchers products: French Vanilla Smoothie and Chocolate Carmel MiniBars. The list of the ingredients on the back is over my head.

Some people say if you can not pronounce the word (or understand what it is) you should NOT put it in your mouth.

Here is what is in the Smoothie:

nonfat milk, soy protein isolate, gum arabic, natural and artificial flavor, maltosextrin, calcium phosphate, sunflower oil, calcium citrate, cellulose gum, guar gum, soy lecithin, calcium carbonate, carrageenan, santhan gum, sodium caseinate, acesulfame K, potassium phosphate, mom and di-glycerides, sucralose, Vitamin A plamitate, zinc oxide, yellow 5, tocopherols added to protect flavor, Riboflavin, Vitamin D3, Vitamin B 12. (I am not sure which are supposed to be capitalized.)

Here is the ingredients of the MiniBars:

Corn syrup, sugar fructooligosaccairdes, maltodextrin, fractionated palm kernel oil, why protein concentrate, glycerine, high maltose corn syrup, high fructose corn syrup, water, soy protein isolate, cocoa (processed with alkali, nonfat milk, cocoa whey. fructose, calcium carbonate, unsweetened chocolate, natural and artificial flavor, soybean and canola oil, polydextrose, dextrose, cream butter (cream salt, annatto added for color) mono-and digiycerdies, salt, magnesium oxide, soy lecithin, sodium citrate, ferric osrthophosphate, ascorbic acid, DL -alpha tocopheherol acetate, niancinamide, zinc oxide, copper cluconate, tocopherols added to protect flavor, calcium pantothnate, manganese sulfate, carrageenan, prydioxine hydrochloride, Riboflavin, beta-carotene, thiamine mondoitrate, vitamin A palmaitate, chromium chloride, folic acid, biotin, potassium iodide, sodium molybdate, sodium selenite, phytonadione, Vitamin B12.

Phew...after typing that I am really beginning to wonder if I should be eating this.

I bought them because I can easily grab the bars as a treat and I know exactly how many points I have consumed. The shakes, I just thought would be fun.

So, do you recognize any of the ingredients listed above? Any that you know are baddies?

What are Mono- & Diglycerides, Anyway???  

Info on maltodextrin:

tocopherols and tocotrienols

Would you eat the above ingredients?

What do you eat when you are invited to others’ houses?

Let me know how you are going to eat this summer especially if you have been invited to graduation parties, Memorial Day cook-outs, and other summer gatherings.

Hat tip to Duane Sherry at Discover and Recover.

Food Matters, a soon to be released movie.

Did you know you are a fat head?
serotoninDiagram Read the rest of this entry »

Recently I promised you I would post a list of the supplements I take.

At night I make up a cocktail of supplements in two little little sherbet bowls one for myself and one for my husband. I think hubby feels loved when I tell him, “Take your supplements.

Here it is:

5-HTP 50-100 mg

EPA/DHA (fish oil or omega 3 fatty acid)

Vitamin B-6 100 mg

Vitamin B-12 lozenge 100 mcg

Vitamin C 500 – 2,000 mg

Vitamin E 400 ui

Multi-Vitamin/Multi-Mineral

Magnesium 400-800 mg

L-Glutamine 500 mg

Taurine 500 mg

GABA 500 mg (as needed for anxiety up to three a day. We take one per night.)

N-Acetyl Cysteine 900 mg

Melatonin 3 mg (or Sleep Essentials as needed)

I just placed an order with Swanson Health Products.

This is just what I am currently taking. I am not saying that you should or should not take what I take. I just thought you might be curious. I have been stable and pharmaceutical-free for two years now. At my worst point in my mental health journey I took a cocktail of pharmaceuticals. In the past eight years I have been prescribed and took: Depakote, Klonipin, Imipramine, Valium, Neurontin, Risperidal, Zyprexa. During the past 20 years, I have taken other pharmecuticals for mental health that are not listed above.

If you have questions about withdrawing from psych drugs or are just curious I recommend Duane Sherry’s Discover and Recover blog and Gianna Kali’s Psychiatric Drug Withdrawal and Recovery—a journey.

A good internet support group is a yahoo group Safe Harbor2.

I also recommend Mindfreedom.org  and SSRI Research.

If you have questions about my routine and why or why I am not I am using certain supplements, I welcome and value you comments and/or emails.

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