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I mailed off the paperwork to SS yesterday to let them know that I now have a professional job and don’t need ss anymore.  I had phoned and mailed them a couple months ago. They then sent me  a bunch of new or more forms to fill out. The forms asked questions about employment from years ago. I m not sure why they were asking all those questions, because they should already have the answers to those in their files already. And some of the questions were about how much money I made in a specific month years ago.  I don’t have paperwork from that far back. Also questions abbot supervisor’s names from years ago…I don’t remember or those people have moved on to new jobs.

I phoned a woman at the office about a week and a half ago. She seemed friendly enough and just told me not to spend the SS money since I had started my new job. The paperwork asks for names and phone numbers of my current supervisor. I also told her I would prefer if they didn’t phone my boss and ask question because of the stigma involved. (I don’t need my new boss know that I have an illness.) The woman told me to simply write on the paperwork that I would prefer if they didn’t contact my new boss.

I was supposed to have finished the paperwork a couple of weeks ago, but I have been so busy with my new job AND the questions are about details and fact that I don’t know where the documentation is. Obsessive and organized  I am not. I finally figured I would just answer the paperwork questions the best I could so they would know that I was at least trying to answer them. sometimes in life trying to do something rather than doing nothing because you can’t do it correctly is the best way to get help or to let others know you are doing your best.

When I started this blog in 2008, I hooked up with other alternative bloggers. It was fun. Now it seems many of them have quit blogging. That seems like a lifetime ago.

I am still kinda running scared. And going through life incognito.

I suppose if I just go public, I could write a better blog. I just don’t want to blow my cover.

Right now I am sitting in my bed with my laptop and typing this. My husband is out of town. I did send some mother’s day gifts to my mom. They were fair trade roses and my daughter gave me a fair trade rose for mother’s day too. Trying to live my life in accordance to my values is hard. Fair trade roses assure that the workers are paid a fair wage and they aren’t exposed to too much chemicals. Going environmental was one of the ways the lightbulb for treating my body in an environmentally friendly way too would benefit me. All those pharmaceuticals were poison to me.

I know that my daughter is proud of me. I have accomplished a lot and she has been there through it. A lot of it wasn’t fair to her. I sometimes wonder if that is why she wants to be with me so much. If it is because she wants to make up for lost time when I was depressed or doped up out of my mine.

Jazz in Pieces was one of the bloggers. She has recovered and doesn’t blog about her mental illness anymore.

I wish I could write more. I see some new people have started blogs about mental health. I always feel sad when I read the people who are going the traditional “I’m going to take my medicine for this genetic illness rout.” I just spend some time this afternoon reading a couple of those. I wasn’t o comment on their blogs…Hey, don’t get suckered into that medication route. It will do more harm than good.

Anyway, I am going to sign off. Please comment if you are reading.

I need the encouragement.

One of the best ways to write a book is to practice writing everyday. I’ve been thinking about writing a book for a long time now. I want to write about my recovery from mental illness. I want to write a book, but I’m not sure why. I used to think it was because I wanted to help others. I now feel like someone who is “passing” for a normal person. That most people who know me now wouldn’t ever even dream of my struggle with mental illness. I have a lot of things I ‘ve done in my life that I am ashamed of, and I don’t know if I really want to write about those things. I wouldn’t want to embarrass my children or my parents. So, I wonder if I really want to write the book. I keep thinking I need to be just a little more successful before I can write the book.

How successful to I need to be? What is your definition of success?  For now, my definition is that I need to be off disability and holding down a full time job with benefits and also having a little status in my community. I know I was actually successful before I was off of disability. And in this economy defining success by a full time job with benies, isn’t really the best thing to do. Why does anyone have to be a success by how much money he or she makes?  Well, I just want others to see, “yes, it can be done, a doctor can diagnose you will a “genetic, brain disease, give you so much mediation that you are doped up beyond able to function, and yet, you can recover and lead a “successful”, “normal” life.
Writing also keeps me sane. I remember once, when I had been very depressed and the psych doc had recommended that I go into a pych unit…that one of the “excerises was for me ( all of the patients to write down their feelings.) I didn’t do it, not becuase I was noncomplient, no, rather, I didn’t have any feelings. Later, a freind of mine said “you sould have written, ‘Today, I feel nothing.'”  Yeah, I should have. We also  had art thearpy and I made a little plaster puppie. When I go out of the psych unit . I had that plaster puppy sitting on the ledge by my fireplace. But, whenever I looked at it, it just reminding me of my time in the psych unit an dwhat a awlful time it was for me. One day I picked up that plaster puppy and threw it in the garbage.

Which reminds me of another thing I did during that time period. I had a job in which I thought people picked on  me and treated me unfarily. I had the phone numbers of my colleagues written on a piece of paper. One day I picked up that paper and held it over the sink as I lit a match under it and watched it burn.

Here I am on the web, trying to find funny Youtubes to make me laugh. Well, I’m procrastinating. I still need to fill out my disability paperwork. I haven’t keep super good record, so a s lot of the questions are hard for me to answer. It’s hard for me to be organized. That is one of my biggest problems. I was surfing the web trying to find funny videos to relieve stress. Pretty soon I will have been at my job for 3 months. Last Monday I had my first “normal” day. A day that wasn’t angst with equipement not working and me not being able to find what I need.

I took my daughter out to breakfast and we talked about goals we have in our lives.  A friend phoned me and he talked about some of his problems. He is considered bipolar too and he takes medication. He wished me luck on my job, but he doesn’t seem to realize how much I had psycho-active medications. He hopes I will be able to take the stress of the job.

I need to wash all my clothes and make sure everything is ready to go for next week at work.


May 2011
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